What to Expect When You're Adopting (Episode #149) with Megan Barker
Megan and her husband recently adopted a darling baby girl to join their family of four boys. Megan tells us the whole process she went through, including what kind of expenses to expect and relative time lines. It was an emotional roller coaster, but completely worth all of it now that they have their baby girl.
If you or someone you know are thinking of adopting, or placing a baby for adoption, please listen to this episode!! You can listen below or through your favorite podcast app!
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Show Notes:
When I was talking to Megan, I asked her to teach me the appropriate terminology for adoption, so I would know the most respectful way to talk about it. She explained terms to use to be most sensitive:
Use the phrase, “placed for adoption” not “give up for adoption.”
For the parents placing the child for adoption:
Birth mom, first mom or bio mom (*or parent or dad/father)
don’t use the term “real” mom/ “real” dad
For the parents adopting the child:
Adoptive parent, mom, dad
Megan’s story as an adoptive mom:
The birth mom of Megan’s baby girl was very, very young and was raped by a much older man. She was so young, she didn’t know what was going on and didn’t even know she was pregnant until 4 days before giving birth.
When she did give birth, she delivered the baby at home all by herself at night. She endured a lot of trauma and for these reasons she wanted a closed adoption. Megan completely understands, supports her in that, and hopes that in coming years she can meet her and tell her how much she loves her.
Even before Megan’s marriage, she had in her heart that she would someday adopt a baby. After having 4 sons of her own, she had an experience on a school trip to Brazil with one of her sons that ignited the desire to adopt. For weeks she had the song, “Because I Have Been Given Much” going through her head until they made the decision to jump into the adoption process.
There are so many different options for how to adopt, internationally, domestically, through an agency, without an agency. Megan and her husband decided on a private agency in the United States and chose to have a domestic adoption.
Adoption is very expensive. Just to get started with an agency, no guarantees you will get a baby, is about $22,000. Some expenses you pay at the time of the adoption are the birth mother’s hospital bills (some insurances pay for part of this), the birth mom’s living expenses post partum and during the pregnancy. It all depends on the birth mom and her circumstances. From the agency Megan used, the total expenses could be between $35,000- $60,000 total.
The average waiting time for this agency was 6 months. Some adoption processes can take years to go through. There is a lot of paperwork, background checks and a home study before a child can be placed in your home. Her youngest son was 4 years old when they got started and wanted to add in this adoptive child before the age gap got too big.
Most adoptions now are open adoptions. Whether than means That can mean a yearly letter or pictures or visiting in person. Most adoptions are more letter based.
When the baby is ready to be placed, usually you get an email. In this case, there was very little notice, so Megan received a text to check her email immediately and to email them back right away if they were interested. The baby was ready the next day! Megan’s parents had just come over for dinner when she found out they needed to rush off to get their baby! Megan and her husband had to ran off to the airport an hour later!
The adoption ended up being out of state, so they needed to stay in that state until the paperwork had been signed and processed. They were gone for nearly 2 weeks waiting for everything to be finished. It was a long time to be away from their other 4 kids and were grateful for family to help out back at home.
Different states take different amounts of time for adoptions to be legally finalized. It took even longer in Megan’s case because of the pandemic and then because of the court case. The trial was delayed because of the pandemic, so they waited 15 months for their adoption to be finalized.
Previous Episode about Adoption:
Adopting Children from China - Jeni Hopewell (Episode #16)
Recent talk in General Conference by Elder Neil L. Anderson that referenced adoption:
In our family, we have been immeasurably blessed as two decades ago, a young 16-year-old learned that she was expecting a child. She and the baby’s father were not married, and they could see no way forward together. The young woman believed the life she was carrying was precious. She gave birth to a baby girl and allowed a righteous family to adopt her as their own. For Bryce and Jolinne, she was an answer to their prayers. They named her Emily and taught her to trust in her Heavenly Father and in His Son, Jesus Christ.
Emily grew up. How grateful we are that Emily and our grandson, Christian, fell in love and were married in the house of the Lord. Emily and Christian now have their own little girl.
Emily recently wrote: “Throughout these last nine months of pregnancy, I had time to reflect on the events [of] my own birth. I thought of my birth mother, who was just 16 years old. As I experienced the aches and changes that pregnancy brings, I couldn’t help but imagine how difficult it would have been at the young age of 16. … The tears flow even now as I think of my birth mother, who knew she couldn’t give me the life [she desired for me and unselfishly placed] me for adoption. I can’t fathom what she might have gone through in those nine months—being watched with judging eyes as her body changed, the teen experiences she missed, knowing that at the end of this labor of motherly love, she would place her child into the arms of another. I am so thankful for her selfless choice, that she did not choose to use her agency in a way that would take away my own.” Emily concludes, “I’m so thankful for Heavenly Father’s divine plan, for my incredible parents who [loved and cared for] me, and for temples where we can be sealed to our families for eternity.”
Helpful and Happy Questions!
I ask these questions to our guests to get to know them better and to tie our podcast into the rest of our blog which houses our podcast archives and covers family topics such as: family recipes, travel tips and home & family life. Here are Megan’s responses:
What is your favorite food or meal?
Authentic Mexican Food, especially carne asada
What was your favorite trip?
Taking a Mediterranean Cruise!!
Do you have a home or family hack for us?
As soon as your kids are done taking a bath, spend just a minute spraying town and wiping out the tub. This way it’s always clean and you don’t have to scrub away dirt and grime later. Brilliant!!
