grief during the holidays podcast episode 88 with Lenaya

On our podcast this week we are talking about grief during the holidays. Our guest, Lenaya Andersen, tells the story of losing her dad and how she has gone through the grieving process. She shares things that really helped her family. Our show notes are also packed with ideas on how to make it through the loss.

Lenaya was a guest on our podcast way back on episode #3 when she told her story of Overcoming Addictions. See our show notes below for insights from her and also 2 other friends who have lost a parents, and then some articles and words of advice from a family therapist.

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Shownotes:

I have had several people ask me to do a podcast about Grief During the Holidays. I decided to ask some of my friends if they could give me some insight into the topic. The first is from family therapist, Paula Wood (she was on our podcast back on episode #34 talking about Power in Motherhood) and she gave me some great feed back.

Words from Paula Wood- family therapist:

I have had two clients with whom we have been concentrating on holidays coming up with new grief....

These are the suggestions that they have given and we have been working on:

Simplify. Do not put anything on your schedule that does not bring satisfaction or is not meaningful. Extra activities of any kind on the family or personal "to do list" that are not necessary will simply add stress--and you don't need extra stress.
DO add another element to your normal traditions without needing to ADD another tradition. For example: you probably already decorate a tree. Add an ornament to honor the loss of whomever or whatever you are grieving.
Don't feel guilty about feeling joy in the season in spite of the fact that you are grieving. Imagine that your loved one would want you to continue to find joy and that you are celebrating the happiness they brought to you as you continue to include memories of them in your celebrating.
Also these two great links to wonderful information:

https://grief.com/grief-the-holidays/

https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-tips-grief-at-the-holidays/

Words from my friend, Melissa, who lost her mother in a tragic accident:

Firsts are always hard. Their the worst! First holidays are hard, birthdays, mothers/fathers day, Easter etc.
A friend made me a Christmas ornament with my mom’s name on it and that was really touching.
I think keeping traditions alive and keeping things as normal as possible is important.
It also can be a good time to establish new traditions if the old ones can’t continue.
We used to make gingerbread houses with my mom and dad. That’s doesn’t happen anymore, we had an inspired home teacher who brought us a sugar cookie decorating set with cookies shaped like Christmas sweaters so that was a nice new tradition to take its place.
It’s also good to be with people and not be alone. And knowing that it’s ok for be sad and grieve during the holidays

Words from my friend, Liz, who lost her father:

I think it’s been a bit different for me not living by my mom - I know she has received many kinds notes over the years especially during the holidays. I feel like for me, the best thing for grief have just been remembering the good things and sharing those memories with my kids. For example, we always had to line up youngest to oldest to go out Christmas morning to see what Santa brought. My dad was always fun with this and silly and so I still make my kids do that now and then share some of those memories with them (maybe not right before we go to the living room).
I feel like I feel more sadness/grief during smaller moments. When I’m having a struggle and just wish I could talk with him. When I get a blessing and just wish he was there (that’s one of the hardest). I do have one friend in particular that sends me a note or brings me flowers EVERY year on the date he died. Just knowing someone is thinking about you is so sweet and tender and helpful. Especially On those days you tend to miss them the most.

Words and suggestions from Lenaya, who lost her father (today’s podcast guest):

It is heart breaking that my kids don’t know my dad in person, but we do our best to keep him alive in our stories.

Hearing stories about my dad was very healing for me, but it wasn’t that way for my mom.

Don’t “should” on yourself: “I should have said this”, “I should have said that”, “I should have done it different”.

Be prayerful and mindful of how you can meet your family and friends’ needs. Follow the spirit (intuition, your gut, divine guidance).

Sometimes a listening ear is more of a comfort than words.

Time is a soothing balm.

Things that really helped when Lenaya’s dad suddenly died in a bike accident:

childcare: at the funeral, the hospital, and even just so you can have time to grieve- especially during the holidays.

meals: brought to the hospital and to the home

groceries: simple staples like milk, fruits and veggies that are easy to grab and go, bagged salads

special memory gifts: such as a pendant from Presentlee that she received from a friend.

cards and stories

just show up even if how you show up is wrong

priesthood blessings: in our faith, we believe the men in our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) who hold the priesthood have the authority to give blessings of health and comfort to us when we are in need.

maid service or cleaning

offer to help with funeral services: help with programs, play the piano or organ, lead the music, watch small children so family can listen and be present in the service.

Quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

We Are Not Made for Endings

“In light of what we know about our eternal destiny, is it any wonder that whenever we face the bitter endings of life, they seem unacceptable to us? There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings.

Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God, whose name is Endless and who promises eternal blessings without number. Endings are not our destiny.

The more we learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ, the more we realize that endings here in mortality are not endings at all. They are merely interruptions—temporary pauses that one day will seem small compared to the eternal joy awaiting the faithful.

How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father that in His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings.”